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Even years after the fact, I am still too embarrassed to admit the identity of my first love. But I will tell you this: I wanted him to be my father, my son, my best friend, my brother. I knew his blood type, his birthmarks. What he was doing that summer on a yacht in Italy. When I am in love, he is my everything. He’s the only thing left on my TikTok fyp. He’s the reason my wallet is empty. At night, before I slip into unconsciousness, he is the last clear image in my head.
He doesn’t know I exist.
What captivates me about parasocial relationships (defined broadly as a one sided relationship, usually between an audience member and a media figure) is its reliance on distance. The intensity and want bellies on the contrast of intimacy and separation. You can spend all night watching YouTube videos of your favorite actor, influencer, etc. but, for the most part, you will never touch them. Half the love is in the longing, the desire.
When contact does occur, things get complicated.
Below are nine novels featuring parasocial relationships.
Y/N by Esther Yi
A Korean American copywriter in Berlin finds herself on a surrealist journey after a magical night at a K-pop concert, during which she witnesses the ethereal moves of star dancer Moon. Since the fated concert, she hasn’t been able to get Moon off her mind. She watches livestreams of “the boys,” attends fan get-togethers that resemble religious gatherings, and writes the titular Y/N fanfiction, which intersperses the text. When Moon abruptly retires at the height of his career, our narrator books a plane to South Korea, wandering the streets for any hint of Moon. What she wants from him, she’s not even sure herself. Y/N is simultaneously a love letter to self-insert fanfiction and a delirious, philosophical romp through the annals of the modern day entertainment industry.
Idol, Burning by Rin Usami, translated by Asa Yoneda
There are many sides to pop-culture fandom. If Y/N floats among the surreal and cerebral, Idol, Burning dives headfirst into the toxic. The novel stars high school junior Akari, an awkward, anxious teenager with an online alter ego as a Masake Ueno (member of J-pop group Maza Maza) superfan. She runs a popular online blog devoted to Masake Ueno, documents his every word in a binder, and spends all her work money on exclusive band merch. Her world is turned upside down when Masake is suddenly accused of assaulting a female fan. Desperate to make sense of her shifted landscape, Akari falls down a rabbit hole of evidence, proofs, and rumors. All too relevant, Idol, Burning digs through the aftermath of yet another celebrity downfall to unearth the trembling fans in its wake.
A Touch of Jen by Beth Morgan
Remy and Alicia do not have much going for them. A pair of millennial restaurant workers trying to survive in New York City, the unhappy couple share little in common save for their obsession with Jen, a former coworker of Remy’s turned globe-trotting social media influencer. Jen is trendy, Jen is glamorous, and the couple spend their days roleplaying sexual fantasies involving Jen, who is none the wiser. When the couple accidently bump into Jen at an Apple store, they are invited on a surfing trip to Montauk, along with Jen’s wealthy boyfriend and their elite social circle. What starts as an awkward weekend of biting remarks and trauma dumping escalates into an outright horror show, as the lines fragment between fantasy and reality.
Misery by Stephen King
As perhaps expected of a Stephen King novel, Misery delves into the more violent, deluded potentials of parasocial relationships. Starring Paul Sheldon, a best-selling romance novelist, Misery kicks off with Paul crashing his car while drunk driving to LA. He is saved by Annie Wilkes, a former nurse who is also Paul’s biggest fan. Rather than take him to the hospital, Annie takes Paul back to her home, where she holds him hostage and demands to read his unreleased work. In the ensuing months, Paul writes to satisfy Annie’s whims and is punished when he fails to appease her.
Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman
Eleanor Oliphant lives a sound and structured life: throughout the week, she works a drab but stable nine-to-five; during the weekend, she splurges on pizza and vodka. She doesn’t wear high heels. No one comes over to her apartment. Though she’s had a troubled past—a childhood accident left her with a scarred face, and college reminds her of nothing but her abusive ex—she’s perfectly fine. Sure, she may be hoarding painkillers and becoming increasingly obsessed with a local musician who has no idea she exists, but she’s fiiine. Only when Raymond, the strange guy from IT, walks into her life, does Eleanor consider that she may not be as okay as she thought.
If I had Your Face by Frances Cha
Set in Seoul, Korea, If I had Your Face follows a group of young women as they navigate a landscape of increasingly impossible beauty standards. There’s Kyuri, the beauty who entertains businessmen at a room salon. Sujin, her roommate, hopes to save up enough for plastic surgery to look just like Kyuri. In another apartment, Miho, an artist, finds herself in a troubling relationship with a wealthy heir, while her roommate, Ara, obsesses over her favorite K-pop idol. There is also Wonna, a woman living below them, who has no idea how she’ll afford the pregnancy she is planning for. All together, the women paint a harsh but necessary picture of modern day Seoul.
Big Swiss by Jen Beagin
Big Swiss is tall, blonde headed, and possesses pale blue eyes of the “cult leader variety”—or so Greta imagines. Thing is, Greta has never actually met Big Swiss. No, Big Swiss is a client of Om, the sex therapist Greta transcribes for from her bee-infested farmhouse in Hudson, New York. Her infatuation would be perfectly contained if not for the fact that, in Hudson, everyone knows everyone. It isn’t long before Greta hears a familiar voice at a dog park. What ensues is a clusterfuck of infidelity, fake identities, sex, and trauma. While many of us have come to think of parasocial relationships as residing in the realm of celebrity culture, Big Swiss reminds us that parasocial relationships can exist on a smaller, personal scale, with equally absurd effects.
I’m a Fan by Sheena Patel
Summarizing the relationships in Sheena Patel’s I’m a Fan may require a corkboard, as well as some yarn and pins. There’s the unnamed narrator, a woman of color who is involved with a white, married artist simply known as “the man I want to be with.” The artist is also seeing a number of other women on the side, including “the woman I am obsessed with,” whom the narrator has never met, but is—as the name implies—obsessed with and stalks via Instagram. There is also the narrator’s unfortunate boyfriend, whom she admits to mistreating. Cutting and original, Sheena Patel’s I’m a Fan critiques our obsessions with wealth and prestige via a poet’s precise prose.
New People by Danzy Senna
Set in 1990s Brooklyn, New People follows Maria and Khalil, a soon-to-be-married biracial couple selected to star in a documentary on “new people.” Though their skin is the “same shade of beige,” Khalil is much more at ease with his identity, while Maria struggles to come to terms with hers. The couple are also at odds with their marriage—Khalil is devoted to Maria, but Maria feels lukewarm about Khalil at best. The novel takes a turn when Maria, obsessive in nature, becomes infatuated with a Black poet she’s never personally met. With what little time she’s not spending on her Jamestown Massacre dissertation, Maria is finding new, questionable ways to get closer to the poet. For a novel preoccupied with watching others, New People is nonetheless about finding oneself.