As four more U.S. states saw a breakout in cyclospora cases, linked to contaminated lettuce, John Oliver decided to weigh in on the parasite causing “debilitating explosive diarrhea” across the country.
A total of nine states have now reported cases of cyclospora, which has been attributed to shredded iceberg lettuce sources by Taylor Farms. And according to recent data, almost 2,000 people in those states got sick after consuming the lettuce at a Taco Bell restaurant. Overall, it’s estimated that there are nearly 12,000 cases, with that number expected to grow.
On Sunday’s Last Week Tonight, Oliver played a news clip in which the reporter advised viewers dining at a restaurant to “ask the source of their lettuce or … eat cooked vegetables instead” to avoid getting sick.
Responded Oliver: “Yeah, the best advice they have for you right now is to basically play lettuce detective at every restaurant. And what are you really expecting them to say? ‘Oh shit, we actually get it from Sam’s Parasite Barn. We were hoping no one would ask.’ ‘Cause let’s be honest, your server doesn’t know where the restaurant sources their lettuce. Their main concern is that the bartender they fucked last week stopped working Mondays, and their manager won’t release next month’s schedule unless everyone goes to a poetry night, so why not give them all a break and just order soup.”
Oliver then played another news clip in which the reporter said the symptoms include “debilitating, explosive diarrhea” that can last for weeks. The new clips also featured three people who had the illness describing their pain as “unbearable” and “horrible.” One noted that some folks are hoping to get the parasite to lose weight: “No, you don’t,” she said.
Noted Oliver “Of course you don’t. Nobody should be looking at the people who pooped so weird that they made it onto the news and think, ‘It should have been me.’”
Citing another news report, Oliver quoted an epidemiologist who described the illness’ symptoms as “uncontrollable and it’s very liquid. If you’ve seen pictures from cholera wars where the patients are on gurneys and the gurney has a hole where your butt goes and there’s a bucket underneath the hole, it’s very similar.”
Said Oliver: “No offense, but I don’t think that epidemiologist should be allowed to give statements anymore. We were looking for something like, ‘It’ll cause digestive issues,’ not ‘Taco Bell made American shit so hard and wet they need assless beds like a 19th century poop ward.’”
As Taco Bell sales dropped, the company put out a statement to reassure consumers: “We want you to hear it from us. We take your health and safety seriously and have removed all affected Taylor Farms lettuce from Taco Bell stores. So go ahead and enjoy your Taco Bell today. You always got us. We always got you. See you in the drive-through.”
“No, you fucking won’t,” Oliver quipped.
Oliver did give credit to Taco Bell for at least addressing the problem, while then turning to President Donald Trump and U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for creating a situation wherein authorities are not able to respond as effectively as in years past. He noted that the Food and Drug Administration “has been underfunded for decades now,” but under the Trump administration, the FDA has lost 20 percent of its staff, and the Centers for Disease Control has lost 25 percent of its staff, including eight of its 11 scientists who track food parasites.
“Wait, only three people now?” Oliver asked. “That is clearly not enough. It really feels like we shouldn’t be able to fit the CDC’s entire parasite tracking team comfortably onto a porch glider.”
Oliver noted that the day after Kennedy said the crisis was under control, the FDA announced it was investigating a new outbreak. “It does say something pretty grim about America, that when it comes to acting swiftly to prevent a public health threat, the current government just lost the moral high ground to fucking Taco Bell,” Oliver quipped.
The Last Week Tonight host ended the segment with a parody ad for Taco Bell that started: “Hey America, we at Taco Bell want you to know we care about your health and safety.”
It continued: “We know that because of our food, many of you have been shitting your brains out in a way that we never intended because Taco Bell’s always prided itself on two things: having the wettest food in America and only giving you the regular normal level of diarrhea. That’s why we’ve temporarily removed lettuce from our food, so while you’re powering through our Mexican food adjacent menu, including our, oh Jesus Christ, Sausage Crunchwrap Supreme, you can feel confident that you’re avoiding one narrow definition of gastrointestinal disease. Again, we’re not promising you won’t get regular diarrhea from it. And you’ve seen our food, right? There’s something on the menu called Diablo Dusted Chicken Nuggets, OK? We’re just saying, we’ll try not to give you the kind of diarrhea that’ll put you on the news.”
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